Meltdown #24: Social Relations
Welcome everyone, I extend a warm greeting
I submit my report to this Cabinet meeting
On the state of our nation
And our foreign relations
Do gather around and please take your seating
At the G20 in Rome, I was accused of lying
France was still whining over the subs we’re buying
Biden called me clumsy
Others simply snubbed me
And the COP harped on how the planet is dying
The French kept on whingeing and crying in their fries
Doubling down on claims of me telling lies
It was hard to engage
On such a world stage
No one would shake hands or look me in the eyes
Team, I was called a personified fossil fuel
When I leaked Macron’s texts, then a mindless fool
But Emmanuel
Can go to hell
For stirring up this Franco Australian duel
The COP junket was peppered with a pungent stench
Our diplomatic spat filled the conference tents
The tension was dire
I felt an out-liar
But I won’t take integrity lessons from the French
Remember when the Rainbow Warrior protest boat
Was bombed in Auckland harbour, left barely afloat
Despite strong French denial
Their agents went on trial
It was state sponsored terrorism, the Kiwi courts quote
Fellow Ministers, the COP said our plan lacked policies
Just based on a hope we’d find new cheap technologies
With room for wriggling
Virtue signalling
Still fatally addicted to clean coal mythologies
They were unconvinced we’d take genuine action
When we’re still gagging for gas and coal extraction
And the Santos display
Was met with dismay
Promoting gas at COP got a hostile reaction
Please note we signed a ban on deforestation
But refused to support coal eradication
And methane reduction
Was too big a deduction
We rejected it with Russia and other rogue nations
So much howling, wailing and gnashing of teeth
All the bleating about the Great Barrier Reef
Such psycho thrillers
Coal industry killers
And the third world was begging for funding relief
I was tackled over targets wherever I’d go
I felt like the pariah of the climate show
I was lucky to miss
A Glaswegian kiss
I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of Glasgow
Here I heard Tim Smith got caught driving while drunk
Crashed his car in a fence and his breath just stunk
The Liberal member for Kew
Twice the limit he blew
Just add him to our pile of political junk
Colleagues, I may not have got out of bed on the right side
Our international trust is trashed on the supply side
But it’s great to be home
Forget Glasgow and Rome
With lockdowns now over, let’s look to Mr Brightside
Let’s try to blunder ourselves out of this strife
Or else the voters will have us under the knife
The economy’s on the move
People are starting to groove
With Sydney and Melbourne bouncing back to life
So friends, Ministers, countrymen, lend me your ears
The vaccines are working and deaths are less than we feared
So let’s hit the battle grounds
Turn this sinking ship around
Onwards to a May election …. to inflict another three years!!
Kevin Holmes • 8th November 2021
