Meltdown #22: Social Politicking
Dear Barnaby Joyce, this is Scott your PM
We’re approaching zero hour, nine AM
Your climate obfuscation
Is causing me frustration
The train’s left the station, no more time for mayhem
My Glasgow COP suitcase is still wide open
Can you just give me a sign, a target, or token
I will pledge you my soul
For any climate goal
It’s politics mate, promises can be broken
We won’t need to stick to any carbon commitments
We can still sneak out Clive and Gina’s coal shipments
We’ll build that coal station
Your rail deviation
Whatever it takes to get your Party’s assistance
I’ll erect a bronze statue for the world to rejoice
The Big Barnaby Joyce on a hill of your choice
I won’t mention the bonk ban
I’ll call you a family man
I’m begging you mate, please lend me your voice
The longer we wait for your Party room’s decision
Just exposes the split in our Coalition
I will grovel, I will kneel
Just give me a deal
Or else we’re both heading to the Opposition
So take your fingers from your ears and head from the sand
I’m about to go to Glasgow for climate’s last stand
All the leaders, the big names
Will be playing Squid Games
They might send me home in a box, as soon as I land!
Don’t worry about News Corp’s green and gold headlines
It’s not Murdoch who’s making them change with the times
It’s just their advertisers
And financial advisers
But we must stay in cahoots with our partners in crime
With all the influence that Rupert administers
His henchmen must stay as our co-conspirators
So if they’ve turned with the tide
We must keep them on side
Don’t’ forget he has dumped five former prime ministers!
If this climate predicament wasn’t so serious
News Corp’s hypocrisy would be bloody hilarious
But their blatant backflip
Has given us a fat lip
If they’ve really gone green, our position’s precarious
I promised Joe and Boris that for the submarine deal
I’d take commitments to COP and lap at their heal
With a cap on pollution
For their green revolution
But I didn’t think you’d make it such an ordeal
You’re holding me hostage, pushing me to the edge
All I want is your National Party’s pledge
Whatever it costs
To change your spots
Or else I’m heading to Scotland for a downhill sledge
Melbourne’s opening up with a few more freedoms
But city greenies can’t go to your hallowed regions
And they made such a fuss
When I kept Pfizer for us
We must try to win over Dan’s lockdown heathens
And we now know why Gladys Berejiklian
Had handed her resignation so quickly in
She’s taking all the smoke
For sleeping with that bloke
What a Maguire quagmire she’s now so thickly in
A reminder Barnaby, so don’t leave me now
You can be the Rocket Man at this zero hour
As a man of repute
In an electric ute
The personified renewable tech superpower
I know in the years that we’ve been together
All the climate policies we sent to the shredder
But if you give me net zero
I can be a COP hero
The Flower of Scotland when I land in the heather
Glasgow empty-handed would be imponderable
My fellow world leaders would find it intolerable
So I’m begging you Barney
Help me face this green army
Yours sincerely Scott Morrison …. PM …. The Right Honourable
Kevin Holmes • 22nd October 2021
